If you can control your behavior when everything around you is out of control, you can model for your children a valuable lesson in patience and understanding…and snatch an opportunity to shape character. – Jane Clayson Johnson, I Am a Mother
People want to raise children to be just like them. To uphold the same value system and to make them “proud” as if the children are an extension of themself. One problem parents face here is that the world is a much different place than it was when they were growing up. Certain values become obsolete and society changes over time. A lot of parents think they own their children and have the right to discipline their children if they don’t uphold their teachings or values. The only thing a parent can really do is keep the child safe and be there for them for times of understanding.
A good analogy I can use is putting a child on a tight rope with no balance beam or help of any sort. The only help is catching them if they fall off the tight rope.
- Treat them as individuals
- Understand them first before passing judgement
- Let them make choices and mistakes
- Lead by example and only offer advice to a curious child
- Give them space and avoid making them feel watched
The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires. – Dorothy Parker
Treat Them as Individuals
Many view raising children as a means to reinforcing their own values. of projecting ourselves to children. Instead giving them ideas and information, while allowing them to make their own decisions, is key. Let them form their own opinions on people and things. Don’t force your ideas onto them. Don’t laugh or taunt a child’s views either. Instead, ask questions and give them suggestions.
Most will agree, but many parents break that rule by subjecting children to traditions that enforce that behavior without even realizing it. By telling a child not to cuss or restricting them to bullshi’t like Barney and Power Rangers, you’re creating an idiot. Children at a very young age can learn how to cook, sweep, and learn complex stuff, but parents think it’s cute to subject them to Sesame Street. If parents teach their children how to gather information and reinforce it as the child develops, a fine child will become a fine adult.
Understand Them First Before Passing Judgement
Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them. – James Baldwin
Just because you disagree with something doesn’t mean you have to enforce it the way you want it. This one is hard, but it’s an important part of raising children. Avoid making a decision before truly understanding a child’s intent. For example, if a child wants to go out late and it’s getting too dark, don’t just say “no”. Ask them questions and offer them alternatives. Something along the lines of “I was going to take you out to get ice cream, you still rather go to your friends house?” If that doesn’t work, something like “what kind of person is your friend? I bet he’s pretty cool. Why don’t you invite him here?” If you’re open and nonjudgmental with your child, they wouldn’t have a reason to lie or keep things from you.
Let Them Make Choices and Mistakes
If you are a parent, open doors to unknown directions to the child so he can explore. Don’t make him afraid of the unknown,give him support. – Osho
If they’re hungry, offer some instruction and let them cook on their own. Be simple at first, obviously it’s not a good idea to have them deep frying vegetables with smoldering oil all over the place. Simple stuff like cooking an egg or making iced tea. Purposely hold back and let them put some pieces of the puzzle together on their own. If they fail, just ask them why they believe what happened happened. Let them draw conclusions from your questions and suggestion. Avoid giving them the answer.
Let children make reasonable mistakes. If they need to make choices, let them make their own. Your job here is to present the options and allow them to workout the kinks ala trial and error! A good analogy for me to use is a tight rope. Let your kids go as if they’re walking a tight rope. Don’t give them them a balance beam (help) and let them fall if they have to. Your only job is to catch them when they fall. Let them correct themselves, just be their safety net.
Lead by Example
Leave your pride, ego, and narcissism somewhere else. Reactions from those parts of you will reinforce your children’s most primitive fears. – Henry Cloud
Leading by example should be a no brainer when it comes to raising children, but the little details go unseen. Children have keen eyes and ears. They catch on to shi’t we don’t even know we do. Look at your own bad habits and be self conscious around your kids. Humans can only draw from their surroundings. Give them an environment and they will reinforce it.
The worst thing you can do is bark orders. Don’t repeat crap you hear on TV like “eat your veggies” and “your bed time is 9pm”. Let him/her learn why going to sleep late when there’s school the next day is a bad idea. Enforcing a rule that a child doesn’t understand will only make them confused and inattentive to it.
When the child see’s that you are understanding and respectful of them as a person, they’ll begin to ask you questions instead of trying to be “grown up” and do everything themselves. This is good if you know how to act on it. Basically, you’re only giving advice when asked. Again, ask questions and let them draw their own conclusions. Never give them a dry answer. At least answer with an explanation they can understand.
Give Them Space
Your children are not your children, they come through you, but they are life itself, wanting to express itself. – Wayne Dyer
Giving children space is very important. Let them learn on their own, but give them the information they need when THEY seek it. If you mash out information that they don’t care about, they won’t remember it. Your information is only relevant if they accept it. Raising children to uphold your value system is pure robbery. Your values are opinions, let them shape their own values based on their experiences and their opinions. You information can never give them the tools they need, it can only speed up the process.
Kicking them out of the house when they become 18 isn’t giving them space. assholes who pressure their kids at 18 better have taught them all they need to know about money and self maintenance. Lets face it, school is crap. It doesn’t teach children about money, how to cook, how to clean, how to do laundry, how to talk to girls (or guys), how to drive, or how to even get along with others. It’s the parents job to overlook these responsibilities and make sure the child has made enough vital mistakes at home before they decide to move out. Children are people. People don’t like dictators or bullies.